In the Freefall education we specialize in what we call the 'default' identity - the disempowered state. Moment by moment we are either in an empowered state or a disempowered state as human beings. We call it the default for we have a tendency of forever defaulting there. One of the most proficient area's I coach in is the area of relationship, why, because I spent many years at the most dysfunctional end of sabotage where relationships were concerned and learnt over many decades about the 'default identity'. When I work with clients who are interested in improving their relationships, be that personal and or professional I encourage them to distinguish what they are motivated by. Why? How on earth can you sustain living in an empowered state regardless of circumstance (which this education advocates) if you do not benchmark EVERYTHING you do and say against that which motivates you. For example - my core motivator is LOVE. The more I focus on love the more I experience love - quite simplistic really. I take responsibility for everything I communicate - now I too am human, I slip up sometimes but fundamentally I am anchored to only ever communicate from this premise.
Fascinates me the degree to which people do not take responsibility for HOW they communicate. Treat others as you would like to be treated! That too is a simple premise but how many times do we live true to this statement? People do confusion around what they create as a result of how they communicate, daily.
So to explain, when you are in your default you are:-
1. Being Serious, significant and dramatic in your communication
2. You are coming from conditional love
3. You are making the other person wrong
4. You are disempowered and as such communicate from a disposition of disempowerment
5. You language your communication in the negative
6. You are reactionary in your response
7. You are unwilling to hear the other persons point of view
8. You are displaying victim mentality - feeling powerless to change the situation
9. You are usually triggered (impacted) by what is being communicated so respond in kind
10. You are definitely not coming from the premise of what motivates you and as such feel disempowered
11. You are doing confusion wondering why the interaction is such that it is
12. You are usually resentful, resigned and as a result listen the other person from a negative context
When coaching people to have more empowered communication I teach them to never engage in what I term default-default interaction. By that I mean, someone is triggered, usually due to some unfulfilled expectation, and then the other party engages with this person and they end up in default-default dialogue with each other - I am here to tell you, NO ONE WINS in this type of interaction. If you cannot be responsible for HOW you communicate then you should not communicate until you do chose to be responsible. Novel concept.
I had a couple a few years ago respond to the above by stating, man it's going to be pretty silent in our household for some time if we do that, my response 'Get present to the costs of the degree to which you do default-default'. It amazes me all the education curriculums around that teach people skills around more effective communication but a lot of these types of techniques are redundant if people chose not to be responsible for how they communicate.
I advise people to set a precedent. The day you decide to not engage with your default (inner critic voice) and not engage with another's default, is the day drama ends in your life for good. You educate people every day on how to communicate with you. Verbal abuse on any level is not ok! And it is verbal abuse when the interaction is not empowering.
So what do I recommend?
You can always get your needs met. You can always be heard. You can always be understood, so if this is the case why not do it in an empowered way. ALWAYS! If you cannot communicate from an empowered state, regardless of the circumstance, what is the point of communicating for you will never get your needs met, you will never be heard, and you will never be understood - most people have found decades of evidence that this is the case but keep communicating in a disempowered fashion - it astounds me!
I have had many couples take a stand for disengaging when their partner is in default. This enrages the other partner even more and so they are left not being too sure what to do in these instances. Two parties need to decide that they are ready to only ever communicate where it serves the other party. If not, they will remain silent until they are willing to be responsible. This is called commitment. Most people state they do not know when they are in their default - this is where they get to abdicate responsibility, it would make sense from the defaults perspective otherwise its game would be up - now I do not wish to give the default an identity but it does feel like that sometimes. Confusion is ALWAYS a function of the default.
I totally understand that someone, who is used to operating in their default for decades would not know how to communicate moving forward for it would be foreign territory to no longer have any drama going on - drama fuels the default persona.
Love is all there is - yes even in business. We all deserve to be loved, listened to as great and to be contributed daily in our interactions with each other. This is what I term 'extraordinary'. And then manage the default behavior as something separate. Then and only then can you take your power back.
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If you are interested in having more empowered communication in your life and or experiencing extraordinary in the context of relationships, then contact one of the Freefall Team on 09 488 6764 or book in for a 1 hour free no obligation consultation session to hear more about the Freefall Experience Seminars - refer http://www.freefallexperience.com
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