Many women have been told often enough to love themselves, but what does this really mean? No love can be forced, by definition, anymore than a plant can be "ordered" to grow. It disappears the moment it is demanded rather than being freely given. For most women, loving yourself doesn't happen overnight nor under pressure. Like a garden in bloom, the best way to generate self-love is simply to set up the conditions that will allow it to arise organically, with as little interference as possible.
Self-Love as Emotional Acceptance
Emotional pain is like physical pain in that it represents a system of communication between the body, mind and environment. If, for instance, a woman is kicked or punched, she feels pain, her body's way of signaling that she is unsafe. Similarly, if a woman is insulted or humiliated, she feels the pain of frustration, anger or shame. This is her body's way of signaling that her emotional well-being is under threat.
Accepting completely that even the most overwhelming emotions exist to promote one's well-being is a crucial pillar of self-love. Selectively suppressing or fighting any of our natural feelings is like revolting against the very flowers we set out to grow.
It is tempting to think that positive emotions are 'good' and negative emotions are 'bad,' but the truth is more holistic. Both positive and negative feelings play a crucial role in helping one to accurately recognize what brings happiness and what doesn't.
Of course, knowing that even the most painful emotions are beneficial doesn't make them any easier to feel. Feeling any kind of intense negativity is likely to, well, hurt. The good news, however, is that no emotional pain sticks around long enough to thwart happiness if it is allowed to self-liberate without undue interference. What does this mean?
How Negative Feelings Can Facilitate Happiness
Feelings, like water, are intrinsically fluid, constantly flowing in and out of consciousness in response to changing conditions. When water is dammed up, bacteria and pond scum start to grow. Standing water soon becomes swamped with the detritus no longer being swept away by the river.
Emotions, left to clog the body in the absence of free expression, do the same thing. Refusing to feel or, conversely, obsessing over emotions--trying to control their natural movement--inevitably leads to festering anxiety, barely suppressed anger and chronic depression--all symptoms of dammed-up, unresolved emotions.
What's the best way to resolve an emotional traffic jam? Surely the easiest and least expensive route is to do nothing. More precisely, stop reacting to unpleasant emotions entirely. With conscious compassion, allow them to flow, instead of judging, analyzing, denying or clinging to them.
Practice a radical acceptance of emotions by allowing them to arise and dissipate on their own timeline--surprisingly short, minus knee-jerk reactions. Take it for granted that each emotion, no matter how raw or overwhelming, has an important lesson to teach about self-love. Whenever women patiently listen to these lessons, they are already loving themselves a little bit more than before.
When a person loves someone, she accepts them for who they are. Similarly, loving oneself means openly accepting, without judgment, all that arises within one's being. So, take a deep breath, and just feel.
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