Forgiveness is something that your relationship depends on. If the marriage is going to survive and eventually thrive, then the forgiveness really has to be there. The reason forgiveness is so critical is because if you aren't able to forgive after an affair, you are stuck with an intense feeling of resentment toward your spouse. Lingering resentment is not only bad for your health, but it blocks any emotional intimacy in your marriage.
The problem is that most couples have an extra hard time getting over affairs because neither the husband nor the wife really understand the steps to forgiveness. Learning these steps of forgiveness can help everybody involved and save marriages that would otherwise end.
Before you start to figure out how to forgive, the first question you have to answer is "should I forgive?" A great place to start to figure out the answer to that question is with the four factors of rebuilding trust.
The first factor is to have your wife send a message to the other person letting them know they are not to contact them in any way.
The second factor is to ask your spouse for access to her email, cell phone, and other social media accounts. If your wife doesn't allow you to have access, this could be an indicator that she is trying to hide something from you.
The third factor is disclosure. The number one complaint that men have is about the obsessions they have in their mind about what their wife did with the other man. If this is you, you need to get your questions answered.
The fourth factor is the emotional dimension where your wife needs to show remorse for her betrayal. If she doesn't then there is always going to be a part of you that is going to feel like she doesn't feel bad enough about what she did and that can be really hard to get past.
If you are lacking any one of these four factors, for example, if your wife refuses to send a no contact message, it should send up a red flag. You are trying to forgive her but in the back out your mind you are thinking that maybe the affair is still continuing. It's very difficult to forgive someone if they are not willing to make things right. Although, if all four factors are in place, you can then move on to the question "how do you forgive a cheating wife?"
Forgiveness is conditional on how your spouse responds to and deals with the infidelity. That is when their actions make a difference. For example, your wife sending a no contact message, giving you access to her phone and email, having remorse, and giving full disclosure about the affair and what happened are the source of actions that can soften you up and to push you closer to actually reaching forgiveness.
On the other hand, don't rush in to forgiveness too quickly. This is a problem that many men face because they are stuck in two of the first stages of the grief process which are denial and bargaining.
They are in denial of how hard it really is to get past an affair and they are bargaining that if they can forgive their wife then their own pain will go away. When the wife is thinking about leaving the marriage, many men will quickly forgive in order to show her how much they love her and to show how strong their feelings are. They hope that is enough to pull her back into the marriage.
The problem with rushing forgiveness is that it is what is referred to as cheap forgiveness and it's not lasting. Many men underestimate how hard it really is to achieve true forgiveness and instead they are rushing in and the forgiveness is short-lived.
Instead of seeking to forgive your wife strictly from your point of view, relieving the pain or saving the marriage, try your best to be receptive to her attempts to earn your forgiveness. It is conditional on your wife taking action to earn your forgiveness.
Don't forgive your wife just because you feel as though it is what you should do or to just make yourself feel better. Instead, forgive your wife because she has worked hard to earn your forgiveness.
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Kevin Jackson has helped thousands of men recover as quickly as possible after their wife had an affair. He is an internationally recognized relationship coach, best-selling author, and has designed a proven 4-step approach to successfully heal from infidelity. If your wife had an affair, and you would like more information on how to successfully heal, go to http://www.WifeCheatedReport.com
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