X Factor Outrage!

Do you ever get angry about 'X Factor' results? Or 'Strictly'?

Are you thinking or saying things like 'How could people vote for them? They're so stupid!'

Or 'What do those so-called judges know?'

Maybe you don't watch X Factor or 'Strictly'.

Perhaps it's something that your boss or colleague at work says or does that infuriates you.

Or the traffic that seems to get worse by the day.

Maybe you didn't get a seat on the train today? Again.

Whatever it is, our day can be filled with things that make us angry, right?

Well, that's how it seems. But things are not always as they seem are they?

And that's true of anger more than any other emotion, because of what lies under the surface and the peace and ease that come with a full understanding and expression of what's making us angry.

So back in the day, I wasn't being honest with myself.

Well maybe it wasn't about honesty, more about ignorance. I mean, I only knew what I knew, until I discovered something new.

Let me explain it like this.

For as long as anyone can remember, parents, teachers and carers have said, "You make mummy/daddy feel angry/sad/disappointed when you don't share/put your toys away/eat your dinner".

And "You make me feel so proud having passed your ballet exam/piano grade 5/SAT's/GCSE's/'A' levels"

So what was there here for me to discover?

That nobody other than me was making me angry, outraged, happy, scared or sad.

I was doing it to myself by what I was thinking. My self-talk. And what I was sensing. What I was picking up from what was not being spoken out loud.

This was going through my brain like a flash of lightning, so fast I didn't realise what I'd just said to myself or what I was sensing.

Could this be true?

Take a moment to check this out for yourself.

Just reflect for a moment.

Recall, if you will, the last time you felt some type of anger.

Now take a breath or two to slow yourself right down and just remember the actual words that you were saying to yourself.

Maybe the anger was about you, about something you'd done, not about anyone else.

Stop!

I'm going to place a bet with you right now.

That somewhere in your self talk, you used one or more words that belong to a nasty, vicious gang I call 'The Notorious Should Gang'.

They use violent, painful and harsh words and phrases like, 'Should', Ought', 'Must', Have to', Got to'.

Oh, and they also use the language of criticism, judgement, fault and blame.

Words like 'stupid', 'idiotic', 'ridiculous', 'crazy', for starters.

Well, did I win the bet?
(Bet I did!)

So when I 'proved' to myself the truth of this, I realised there are 2 things going on here that are really unhelpful.

Thing 1 - we have stayed 'up in our heads' with our thinking and language.

Thing 2 - we have made the mistake of muddling the stimulus of our anger with the cause.

And why would we not? It's very popular and fits the rules of the 'blame game' perfectly.

(I'll say more about this 'fascinating' game in the future).

So what to do instead?

Let's start by being honest with ourselves and finding out what is really going on when we're feeling angry.

Pay attention to what you're actually telling yourself. Listen to what else you're feeling, apart from angry.

(N.B. This step is really important because there's a vital connection between what we our feel and what we need.
Put simply, if we're having feelings we enjoy, there's little we lack.
If we're having feelings we're not enjoying, there's something we value that's missing).

What is important to you that's missing right now? What can be done to bring that 'missing piece' into your life right now?

'Thing 2' - by realising that we are creating our feelings of anger, we have the power to change what we're feeling.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you like getting angry?

Most don't but you may enjoy the 'pumped up' physical sensations that anger can create, courtesy of adrenaline.

There is a cost to creating this type of energy though. Apart from the physical damage done if we get angry a lot, it will disconnect us from others. It will push people away. Frighten others.

Is this what you want?

Whereas getting to the heart of what's missing allows you to ask for what you need. This connects us to others, brings us closer.

I'd call this true power. You are aware of what is going on in you, of the dissatisfaction that you feel.

But now with this knowledge, you can do something about it.

No staying in a vicious cycle, blaming yourself or someone else, no wasted energy finding fault, no adrenaline fuelled dramas.

There may well be a stimulus from outside ourselves, but we are most certainly the cause.

How could it be otherwise?

If you 'make me feel', that most certainly is a muddle we have got ourselves into.

And we no longer have a relationship.

Now we have an entanglement!

And the consequences of this are ugly.

It leads to 'emotional blackmail', the confusion of boundaries and responsibility between us.

We can start to believe that we are responsible for other people's feelings, for their happiness or unhappiness, rather than develop a responsibility to ourselves, for determining our own happiness and taking the action necessary to get what's important to us.


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Peter Burton is passionate about communicating in a way that creates safe, authentic relationships.
A teacher, author and coach, he is dedicated to helping you learn and grow.
Want to know more? Visit http://www.communicatefromtheheart.com


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