The Calm After the Storm

Wow, that was some storm this morning here in the UK.

A once in a generation event, they say, on a par with the one back in October 1987.

It seems to have stirred up a couple of things in me too.

I'd say that the storm of '87 is remembered because it came as a shock.

We trusted the voice of authority, known as the weatherman (and they were all men back then) who reassured us that the storm would miss us.

Whoops!

But instead of blaming the Met Office for making a mistake, what if this was a wake up call, calling into question my long-standing habit of following the voices of authority without thinking for myself?

What if it was asking me to apply those 3 questions that are vital to ask before embarking on any venture or project?

Is it possible? Is it wise? Is it for me to do?

The answer to question No 1 comes from the intellect, and if I only listen to this answer as I have done in the past, I've ended up in a real mess. And I believe this is true of us all as humans. (Shall I give you my own examples, or have you your own?).

The answers to questions 2 & 3 come from a place you may not be in the habit of visiting. It certainly wasn't a habit of mine but I'm grateful that it is now.

It only requires a journey of 35 cms.

From your brain to your heart.

And this is not some romantic, poetic notion, not a 'pink and fluffy' piece of 'let's love everyone' waftiness.

Proof now abounds about the importance of the heart as a result of research stretching back over the last 20 years.

Suffice to say that it has been found to be so much more than a pump.

(If you'd like more information about the heart and its true function, I invite you to visit the Heartmath website at www.heartmath.org.)

For your own proof, can you recall the times when you just knew in your water that you needed to do something - or not do something? And you found it hard to explain the reasons.

I've learned to trust this as the intelligence of my heart working through my body and giving me the clearest signal ever.

It's what a former teacher of mine. Richard Wilkins, called the 'Ding or Bong' test.

So if you've never consciously worked your way through those 3 questions as a response to an idea, issue or project, give it a try the next time.

I've found it best to write my responses. It takes a bit more time, but I get clearer doing it that way.

And the benefit of doing any of this?

I've found it's increased the trust I have in myself for making wise choices.

And this has created the calm that makes it easier to make wise choices, or if I make a mistake, to recover more quickly than I used to be able to do.

It's made me more resistant to trusting naively the voices of authority (parents, teachers, doctors, police officers and politicians, to name a few).

So maybe it was my own naivety, my innocence, my desire to trust that caused me problems.

Am I alone here? What about you? Does this ring true for you at all?

There's a second aspect to this 'calm after the storm' theme.

You know about the 5 stages that we go through when forming any type of relationship don't you?

Forming Storming Norming Performing Mourning

It's my belief that the least popular stage is 'Storming' (followed by 'Mourning', which I'll write about in a future article).

Now for the word 'storming', let's substitute the word 'conflict', 'disagreeing', 'having a row'.

I'll be the first to say I don't much like conflict.

Surprising?

Well, maybe, but I like to think that most of me is a regular human. This means I've been on the receiving and giving end of harsh words.

Fortunately not more than that.

So yes, I'd learned some unhelpful habits.

I didn't like what I said and did or how I felt physically when I got cross.

Eventually I realised that one of the problems was I kept heading to the land of 'Win-Lose', a place I didn't want to go.

This proved a powerful motivator to find a different way to engage in conflict without 'getting personal'.

Now I've learned to choose language that explains clearly what I'm passionate about whilst listening respectfully to others when it's their turn.

And taking turns, I have learned is a core component of empathy.

Being willing to consider others' perspectives on an issue as well as hold true to mine.

Whatever the issue, whatever the decision to make.

Whether that's agreeing a holiday destination, what to cook for tea, how to deal with a child who doesn't want to go to bed at a time that works for you or how to deal with a medical condition.

And now, even in the fiercest of storms, following this trusted of maps, I have learned to navigate my way safely & swiftly to the land of 'Win-Win'.

I'm pleased that I have successfully negotiated a result that genuinely works for everyone concerned.

And just as importantly is not only using the map myself, but being able to teach the map to others.


----------------------------------------------------
Peter Burton is passionate about communicating in a way that creates trusting, robust relationships and how to put things right when they go wrong between us.
A teacher, author and coach, he is dedicated to helping you learn these vital skills.
Want to know more?
Time to visit http://restorativepractices.co.uk


EasyPublish this article: http://submityourarticle.com/articles/easypublish.php?art_id=346425