Common Abuse

As a child, I was on the receiving end of what I call 'Common Abuse'. It was not anything sensational or headline grabbing. I don't believe that my experience was anything special or unusual, which made it all the more disturbing. I believe that this type of abuse has gone on for hundreds, maybe thousands of years in most cultures around the world. I also believe it's the stimulus for much human unhappiness.

What exactly am I talking about? Let me give you an example that may appear trivial and inconsequential. I think it's significant. Imagine it's a winter's day, and, as an adult, you know that it's cold outside. You are going out with your young child who is, say, 3 or 4, able and keen to walk. Inside, the central heating has been on and it's warm. You say to your child, 'Come and put your coat on because it's cold outside'. Your child refuses because s/he is warm. You insist. (You probably know where this is going, yes?). What I'm predicting is that a well-rehearsed 'drama' will unfold in this situation. And this 'drama' may escalate into a conflict (a likely outcome of the scenario above) or a collapse, when one person or the other 'gives in'. The youngster appears to only have 2 ways to behave. Rebellion or compliance.

So what might s/he learn from this? Well, with such experiences being repeated, based on a belief that 'the adult knows best', I'd say that the child learns to rely upon another person to make decisions for them, learns how to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and learns to mistrust their own judgement about what is best for them.

'So what do I do in the 'coat' situation then?' I hear you cry. 'Do I allow my child to just do as they please?' Not at all. You know more than the child, granted. But I'd say that they have a valid reason for saying no to wearing the coat at the time you are asking them. They're warm right now. Now, with your wisdom as an adult, you know that the chances are that within a few minutes of going out, your child will feel the cold and want to wear the coat. You've taken the coat, right? So now's the time to acknowledge what the child is feeling and needing and, hey presto! On goes the coat without any bother. Using this approach, you exercise your wisdom and your understanding so that everyone 'wins'. And I can only imagine, if repeated in a thousand different ways over many years, the positive effect on the child's opinion of themselves, their self worth, their value, as well as the type of relationship that you have with them for the rest of life.

Just one final question. What was your attitude when helping the child on with their coat? Were you saying the equivalent of 'I told you so - you have to listen to me in future. etc.?', which actually means, 'I was right and you were wrong'). Of course, this approach, when repeated time and time again, creates a way of relating between adult and child that has the sort of impact on the child's view of themselves that no adult wants. This approach, based on exerting power over another person, is one of the 3 ways that Common Abuse is learned, practiced and passed on from generation to generation, with the discontent and distress it causes. My future articles will describe these 3 approaches more fully and how to communicate to get the type of relationships we long for.


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Peter Burton is passionate about communicating in a way that creates safe, authentic relationships.
A teacher, author and coach, he is dedicated to helping you learn and grow.
Want to know more?
Time to visit http://wwwcommunicatefromtheheart.com


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