Like all living things, we have survival instincts.
Innately, it seems, our brain wants to hold onto negative experiences. In order to survive, we need to learn from those things that have had a negative impact and attempt not to repeat them.
This might be good for the survival of the species, yet as individuals we must not only learn, but also find a way to mentally let go of the negatives, or we won't be able to move into a happier, more positive future.
The flip side of this is that good experiences tend to pass through our memories far too quickly -- unless we are mindful of them.
Taking a moment to appreciate good things will help to cement them in our minds. This is an essential step in learning to calm your mind.
A good place to begin is to focus on the 'small' things that bring you happiness. We want to create a stockpile of these and the good feelings they produce, and hold them in reserve.
Perhaps your happy moments include a sunny day, a great book, or a private joke with a friend or family member.
University of California, Berkley neuropsychologist Dr. Rick Hanson advocates the idea of replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts so that we refocus and retrain our brains. Hanson stresses the importance of being mindful of both positive and negative experiences, as both can be instructive.
His technique for changing the brain requires acknowledging -- not denying or suppressing -- the negative feeling, and taking time to experience the loss, the frustration, the pain.
Once the negative is fully realized and understood, which could take only a moment for small stressors or much longer for deep grief (although good therapy can accelerate this process), the next step is to find a way to minimize or let go of the negative.
Relax a little, take a deep breath, use your imagination to draw a mental circle around any harmful thoughts, as if placing them in a balloon, and then release them, letting them float off and leave. Perhaps cry a little. Tears can have a wonderful, healing, therapeutic effect, and they can be shed by the emotion of happiness as well as sadness.
After you're able to let go of the negative, it's time to shift your focus to something positive. Perhaps it's a happy memory of someone you're grieving, or remembering a frustrating project from the past that you've finally completed successfully.
By taking just a little step back, learning to interrupt the negative and shift the mind to something more positive, we can retrain our brains to access more happiness.
Genetics and innate impulses can be tempered with a little training and some thoughtful effort. By regularly using our mind and our brain to access more positive states, we can create fresh neural pathways and so alter the way we function and feel. To use the language of neuroscience, 'neurons that fire together wire together.'
Our brain has an amazing capacity for learning, and it's up to us to teach our own brain the pathways to happiness.
----------------------------------------------------
Peter Field is a leading British hypno-psychotherapist. He is a Fellow of the Royal Society of Health and a Member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. For more information, please visit his website: http://www.peterfieldhypnotherapy.co.uk Peter's extensive range of self hypnosis downloads and CDs is now available at http://www.hypnosiscdmp3downloads.com
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
The 6 Habits That Lead To Happiness
So often we count what is missing from our lives, focusing on what is not there.
In doing this, we create a form of "negative hallucination," a state of mind that blinds us to so much of what is actually there -- a really self-defeating way to pass our days.
By dwelling on what we lack we create feelings of deprivation and unhappiness that can eclipse the spirit and block our ability to experience the simple joy of being alive.
If we really do want to live a more fulfilled and joyful life then cultivating a sense of gratitude is a key ingredient. Gratitude for all that we have, for all that is there, brings with it a deeper appreciation of life itself.
Research has shown (1) that gratitude is an essential element in our ability to experience genuine happiness.
Change Your MInd
Not only that, but expressing gratitude can help change your mind in a positive way, and actually have a physical affect on the brain, changing it in positive ways.
Gratefulness and life satisfaction just seem to go hand in hand (2).
Here are six habits that grateful people cultivate. They are the keys to increased joy and contentment.
1. Grateful people do not expect life to give them every single thing they desire. They live with the understanding that no one can have everything they want, when they want it, and that this is okay. They are appreciative of all they have, and are less likely to envy what others have.
2. Grateful people take nothing for granted. They do their best to see the positive outcome in situations and experiences and are not afraid to work towards those outcomes. They do not take the good things in their lives for granted.
3. Grateful people work with things as they are. They do not insist that conditions be exactly right before they can be happy. Appreciative of all they have, they accept life's shortcomings, while working on their own, and welcome joy and happiness into their lives unconditionally.
4. Grateful people realize that they cannot have the sunshine without also having the rain. They understand that no one can live in a perpetual state of happiness, accepting that difficult times will sometimes come. They have learned to respect and be grateful for life in all its diversity.
5. Grateful people cultivate flexible thinking habits. They have learned to adapt to life circumstances and can adjust their thinking to the situation. Gratitude and rigid thinking make a poor fit, and so they make allowances for other people's perceptions and opinions.
6. Grateful people do not define themselves by their regrets. They appreciate their abilities while working to improve them, accepting responsibility for their actions while working towards their positive future. Cultivate these habits of gratitude and you really will reap some wonderful benefits.
What are you waiting for? Why not start right now!
References:
(1) Emmons, R. A. (2007). THANKS! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. New York: Houghton Mifflin Company.
(2) Watkins, P. C., Grimm, D. L., & Kolts, R. (2004). Counting your blessings: Positive memories among grateful persons. Current Psychology: Developmental, Learning, Personality, Social, 23, 52-67.--
----------------------------------------------------
Peter Field is a leading British hypno-psychotherapist. He is a Fellow of the Royal Society of Health and a Member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. For more information, please visit his website: http://www.peterfieldhypnotherapy.co.uk Peter's extensive range of self hypnosis downloads and CDs is now available at http://www.hypnosiscdmp3downloads.com
In doing this, we create a form of "negative hallucination," a state of mind that blinds us to so much of what is actually there -- a really self-defeating way to pass our days.
By dwelling on what we lack we create feelings of deprivation and unhappiness that can eclipse the spirit and block our ability to experience the simple joy of being alive.
If we really do want to live a more fulfilled and joyful life then cultivating a sense of gratitude is a key ingredient. Gratitude for all that we have, for all that is there, brings with it a deeper appreciation of life itself.
Research has shown (1) that gratitude is an essential element in our ability to experience genuine happiness.
Change Your MInd
Not only that, but expressing gratitude can help change your mind in a positive way, and actually have a physical affect on the brain, changing it in positive ways.
Gratefulness and life satisfaction just seem to go hand in hand (2).
Here are six habits that grateful people cultivate. They are the keys to increased joy and contentment.
1. Grateful people do not expect life to give them every single thing they desire. They live with the understanding that no one can have everything they want, when they want it, and that this is okay. They are appreciative of all they have, and are less likely to envy what others have.
2. Grateful people take nothing for granted. They do their best to see the positive outcome in situations and experiences and are not afraid to work towards those outcomes. They do not take the good things in their lives for granted.
3. Grateful people work with things as they are. They do not insist that conditions be exactly right before they can be happy. Appreciative of all they have, they accept life's shortcomings, while working on their own, and welcome joy and happiness into their lives unconditionally.
4. Grateful people realize that they cannot have the sunshine without also having the rain. They understand that no one can live in a perpetual state of happiness, accepting that difficult times will sometimes come. They have learned to respect and be grateful for life in all its diversity.
5. Grateful people cultivate flexible thinking habits. They have learned to adapt to life circumstances and can adjust their thinking to the situation. Gratitude and rigid thinking make a poor fit, and so they make allowances for other people's perceptions and opinions.
6. Grateful people do not define themselves by their regrets. They appreciate their abilities while working to improve them, accepting responsibility for their actions while working towards their positive future. Cultivate these habits of gratitude and you really will reap some wonderful benefits.
What are you waiting for? Why not start right now!
References:
(1) Emmons, R. A. (2007). THANKS! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. New York: Houghton Mifflin Company.
(2) Watkins, P. C., Grimm, D. L., & Kolts, R. (2004). Counting your blessings: Positive memories among grateful persons. Current Psychology: Developmental, Learning, Personality, Social, 23, 52-67.--
----------------------------------------------------
Peter Field is a leading British hypno-psychotherapist. He is a Fellow of the Royal Society of Health and a Member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. For more information, please visit his website: http://www.peterfieldhypnotherapy.co.uk Peter's extensive range of self hypnosis downloads and CDs is now available at http://www.hypnosiscdmp3downloads.com
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Tips To Help You Become A Better Parent
Raising a child is hard work, and no amount of advice or preparation can change that. Preparation and knowledge can have an effect, though, on the results that hard parenting work brings. A helpful tip at the right time can make the parenting process much easier. Continue reading to get a few tips that might <a href="http://www.earlypregnant.com/early-ovulation">solve some child-rearing problems.</a>
If you clear a spot on the kitchen countertop, next to the sink, you can lay your child on a towel there and wash his hair and scalp under the faucet. This can help alleviate the fear of being dunked and their dislike of water in their face.
While your kids need your time too, you still need "you" time. This helps you keep your individuality, <a href="http://www.earlypregnant.com">while also being a great parent.</a>
If there are children living under your roof, avoid smoking indoors. It might be a good time to think about quitting once and for all. Inhaling secondhand smoke can be just as harmful as smoking cigarettes. Second-hand smoke exposure can lead to asthma, bronchitis and other respiratory problems for children.
Each child is different from the next. A strategy that worked wonders on one child can be totally ineffectual on another. This will include reward as well as discipline style. You have to remember all the techniques you have used before.
Cucumbers, carrots or sour pickles can be put into a mesh teether and given to a baby who is having a painful time when cutting their teeth. Your child will enjoy the flavor of these all-natural teethers. Encourage your child to keep chewing, and those sore gums will feel better as the day progresses.
When you are a parent, it's really important to take care of yourself. Despite what crazy events occur throughout the day, always take some time alone to be by yourself and relax, step away from the world and its worries. This will make you less stressed and happier, which will benefit your children ultimately.
Don't expect an instant bond with your stepchildren. A lot of kids show resentment about the fact that their true parents are no longer together. Take the time to get to know your stepchild and build this link progressively. Do not try to replace one of the parents.
If you have adopted a child, be ready to answer a lot of questions that might come up when they understand what this means. All children want to know where they are from, and this is no different for adopted children. It is important to be honest with your child, the younger they are when you tell them, the better they will be able to adjust to the idea as they get older.
Remember that not every child is an extrovert. Kids can be shy and aloof, but that isn't a bad thing! You need to take notice if he or she is appearing more withdrawn than they normally do. If you feel that your child is overly withdrawn, you should go see their pediatrician. The doctor will be able to determine if there is anything going on that should concern you.
Children enjoy playing. Playtime isn't just an option. It's a necessity for growing, developing children. Playtime should be more than simply leaving open blocks of time for unstructured activities.
As a parent, it is important to encourage good behavior with positive reinforcement. Attention is something all children crave. If being well-behaved does not get their parents' attention, they may try acting out instead. Parents who neglect to focus on the child's good behavior by praising them for it may actually be encouraging the child to act in negative ways.
Before administering medicine to your child, it may be helpful to mix each dose in something sweet. You can stir a little sugar in with the medicine, or use some orange juice. Applying drops to the eye is also easy to accomplish. Just have your child lay down and close their eyes, then put a drop on the hurt eye's eyelid. When they open their eyes, you will see that the eye drop falls directly in.
When raising a child it is fundamental to not give into every "I want" that they say. While treats and rewards are an important part of parenting, they should only be given at your discretion. Otherwise, your child may believe that he or she is in total control and that you can be easily persuaded to change your mind.
Parenting, although common, does not always come naturally. It's very common to seek advice as a way to learn better child-rearing skills. Children can be a handful sometimes, and experienced parents can help new parents tackle the issues that come with raising a child. Useful parenting tips provide welcome ways to learn from a wide spectrum of sources.
If you clear a spot on the kitchen countertop, next to the sink, you can lay your child on a towel there and wash his hair and scalp under the faucet. This can help alleviate the fear of being dunked and their dislike of water in their face.
While your kids need your time too, you still need "you" time. This helps you keep your individuality, <a href="http://www.earlypregnant.com">while also being a great parent.</a>
If there are children living under your roof, avoid smoking indoors. It might be a good time to think about quitting once and for all. Inhaling secondhand smoke can be just as harmful as smoking cigarettes. Second-hand smoke exposure can lead to asthma, bronchitis and other respiratory problems for children.
Each child is different from the next. A strategy that worked wonders on one child can be totally ineffectual on another. This will include reward as well as discipline style. You have to remember all the techniques you have used before.
Cucumbers, carrots or sour pickles can be put into a mesh teether and given to a baby who is having a painful time when cutting their teeth. Your child will enjoy the flavor of these all-natural teethers. Encourage your child to keep chewing, and those sore gums will feel better as the day progresses.
When you are a parent, it's really important to take care of yourself. Despite what crazy events occur throughout the day, always take some time alone to be by yourself and relax, step away from the world and its worries. This will make you less stressed and happier, which will benefit your children ultimately.
Don't expect an instant bond with your stepchildren. A lot of kids show resentment about the fact that their true parents are no longer together. Take the time to get to know your stepchild and build this link progressively. Do not try to replace one of the parents.
If you have adopted a child, be ready to answer a lot of questions that might come up when they understand what this means. All children want to know where they are from, and this is no different for adopted children. It is important to be honest with your child, the younger they are when you tell them, the better they will be able to adjust to the idea as they get older.
Remember that not every child is an extrovert. Kids can be shy and aloof, but that isn't a bad thing! You need to take notice if he or she is appearing more withdrawn than they normally do. If you feel that your child is overly withdrawn, you should go see their pediatrician. The doctor will be able to determine if there is anything going on that should concern you.
Children enjoy playing. Playtime isn't just an option. It's a necessity for growing, developing children. Playtime should be more than simply leaving open blocks of time for unstructured activities.
As a parent, it is important to encourage good behavior with positive reinforcement. Attention is something all children crave. If being well-behaved does not get their parents' attention, they may try acting out instead. Parents who neglect to focus on the child's good behavior by praising them for it may actually be encouraging the child to act in negative ways.
Before administering medicine to your child, it may be helpful to mix each dose in something sweet. You can stir a little sugar in with the medicine, or use some orange juice. Applying drops to the eye is also easy to accomplish. Just have your child lay down and close their eyes, then put a drop on the hurt eye's eyelid. When they open their eyes, you will see that the eye drop falls directly in.
When raising a child it is fundamental to not give into every "I want" that they say. While treats and rewards are an important part of parenting, they should only be given at your discretion. Otherwise, your child may believe that he or she is in total control and that you can be easily persuaded to change your mind.
Parenting, although common, does not always come naturally. It's very common to seek advice as a way to learn better child-rearing skills. Children can be a handful sometimes, and experienced parents can help new parents tackle the issues that come with raising a child. Useful parenting tips provide welcome ways to learn from a wide spectrum of sources.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Gay or LGBT - How To Come Out When You're Married or Partnered
How to come out as gay, bi, or trans, is a question that so many married people find themselves asking.
Some come out when young, others when they are not so young, while others may come out when they have been in a heterosexual relationship for some time.
If you've been in a heterosexual marriage, or in an unmarried but lengthy relationship, the first conversation needs to be with your spouse or partner.
This will likely be difficult for both of you, but clear communication will be important as you plan your future, either apart or together. Be clear, be honest, and be respectful, of your spouse or partner and of yourself.
Perhaps you thought your spouse or partner suspected your orientation, but often this is not the case. Your spouse or partner may very well feel angry, betrayed, rejected, and confused -- and it's likely that many of these emotions will be directed toward you.
Be compassionate, but stand your ground. It is also important to reassure them that it is not their fault, as some partners might feel they are in some way responsible, or believe that they may have 'turned you gay'.
It's possible your spouse or partner will have a lot of questions; it's also possible that she or he will need time apart to process the many ways this will change life for both of you. It may take several conversations to work through all the issues that your revelation will create, and it may be helpful to schedule a few joint sessions with a counselor or therapist.
Remember that you've taken some time to figure out who you are; your spouse or partner will need time, too. Many will choose divorce or permanent separation as the way forward, and this can be a difficult process for all concerned. The best possible outcome is that, though divorced or separated, you remain friends with your ex-spouse or ex-partner.
For some, this will not be possible, and a clean break may be best. If this is the case, do your best to separate as amicably as possible.
Not all couples choose to separate or divorce immediately, or at all. They may choose to stay together in order to better care for their children, for the companionship that they already share, or even for sex. Provided couples are looking for the same things and are clear on the parameters of the revised relationship, divorce is not necessarily mandatory.
But staying together isn't easy, and doing it in order to linger in the closet or to spare you or your spouse embarrassment are unhealthy reasons to remain married or partnered, and unfair to both of you.
This is a time when an outside professional can be extremely helpful in determining the best, most honest way for both of you to move into the future.
If children are involved, your second conversation might be with them, depending on their ages and what you as a couple decide is most helpful. Although divorce has become, sadly, commonplace, this doesn't mean that it's not difficult for children, so focus on them, on the ways your family will change, and on the things that will remain the same, including your love for them.
This is a life-changing announcement for all of you, and emotions are bound to run high. If you as a couple can present a united front, your children will fare better in the long run. It may be a conversation that stretches over days, weeks, or months, one that will demand respect for the feelings of everyone involved.
It is also important to remember, especially for those who are knowingly struggling with their sexual or gender identity, that heterosexual marriage will not 'cure' this. Other people are not meant to be used in a futile attempt to convert or to hide a lifestyle. It is not fair or healthy to use another person in this way.
If you decide to come out when you're married or partnered, be sure to do so in a way that you can look back on without shame or unnecessary guilt.
It may be a difficult time for you and for all involved, but with a clear head and a healthy dose of compassion and understanding, it can be something that will move everyone forward in the best possible way.
----------------------------------------------------
Peter Field is a British psychotherapist and Director of Rainbow Champions, an organization that provides assertive life skills and confident communication training for LGBT people across the UK and Europe. For more info please see http://www.rainbowchampions.com His new book 'How To Be Gay and Happy' is now available on Amazon. http://gayandhappy.com
Some come out when young, others when they are not so young, while others may come out when they have been in a heterosexual relationship for some time.
If you've been in a heterosexual marriage, or in an unmarried but lengthy relationship, the first conversation needs to be with your spouse or partner.
This will likely be difficult for both of you, but clear communication will be important as you plan your future, either apart or together. Be clear, be honest, and be respectful, of your spouse or partner and of yourself.
Perhaps you thought your spouse or partner suspected your orientation, but often this is not the case. Your spouse or partner may very well feel angry, betrayed, rejected, and confused -- and it's likely that many of these emotions will be directed toward you.
Be compassionate, but stand your ground. It is also important to reassure them that it is not their fault, as some partners might feel they are in some way responsible, or believe that they may have 'turned you gay'.
It's possible your spouse or partner will have a lot of questions; it's also possible that she or he will need time apart to process the many ways this will change life for both of you. It may take several conversations to work through all the issues that your revelation will create, and it may be helpful to schedule a few joint sessions with a counselor or therapist.
Remember that you've taken some time to figure out who you are; your spouse or partner will need time, too. Many will choose divorce or permanent separation as the way forward, and this can be a difficult process for all concerned. The best possible outcome is that, though divorced or separated, you remain friends with your ex-spouse or ex-partner.
For some, this will not be possible, and a clean break may be best. If this is the case, do your best to separate as amicably as possible.
Not all couples choose to separate or divorce immediately, or at all. They may choose to stay together in order to better care for their children, for the companionship that they already share, or even for sex. Provided couples are looking for the same things and are clear on the parameters of the revised relationship, divorce is not necessarily mandatory.
But staying together isn't easy, and doing it in order to linger in the closet or to spare you or your spouse embarrassment are unhealthy reasons to remain married or partnered, and unfair to both of you.
This is a time when an outside professional can be extremely helpful in determining the best, most honest way for both of you to move into the future.
If children are involved, your second conversation might be with them, depending on their ages and what you as a couple decide is most helpful. Although divorce has become, sadly, commonplace, this doesn't mean that it's not difficult for children, so focus on them, on the ways your family will change, and on the things that will remain the same, including your love for them.
This is a life-changing announcement for all of you, and emotions are bound to run high. If you as a couple can present a united front, your children will fare better in the long run. It may be a conversation that stretches over days, weeks, or months, one that will demand respect for the feelings of everyone involved.
It is also important to remember, especially for those who are knowingly struggling with their sexual or gender identity, that heterosexual marriage will not 'cure' this. Other people are not meant to be used in a futile attempt to convert or to hide a lifestyle. It is not fair or healthy to use another person in this way.
If you decide to come out when you're married or partnered, be sure to do so in a way that you can look back on without shame or unnecessary guilt.
It may be a difficult time for you and for all involved, but with a clear head and a healthy dose of compassion and understanding, it can be something that will move everyone forward in the best possible way.
----------------------------------------------------
Peter Field is a British psychotherapist and Director of Rainbow Champions, an organization that provides assertive life skills and confident communication training for LGBT people across the UK and Europe. For more info please see http://www.rainbowchampions.com His new book 'How To Be Gay and Happy' is now available on Amazon. http://gayandhappy.com
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